Luxury in Your Ass

Few people have the refined taste to fully appreciate the very finest in their sex toys, but for those with the sophistication and bank account, you too can appreciate having luxury in your ass and other orifices. This is a round-up of some of the most expensive toys you can buy this holiday season.

Lelo is known for making expensive sex toys. They now have a $2,590 sex toy that you can proudly insert in your ass. It is made of gold, and is called the Lelo Earl Butt Plug. They say it is “for refined gentlemen who know that you can’t put a price on luxury — or on pleasure.” You can, apparently, put a price on your ass, and that price is $2,590. At your next cocktail party, imagine being able to proudly say “You’ll never guess what I am wearing!” For the dregs of society, they also offer a stainless steel version for $1,590. Seriously, who goes out wearing stainless steel, even in your ass? Me personally, I would not be caught dead in anything less than platinum. Did I mention the included matching cuff links? They would actually be quite uncomfortable in your ass, though. If someone is wearing the cuff links on their sleeve, do we get to assume that they are also wearing the butt plug? I am unclear as to exactly what type of statement the cuff links are supposed to make. Still, the Lelo Earl is little more than a low-priced add-on when you purchase it with the $15,000 gold Inez vibrator. Imagine waving that around at a party and seeing the expressions on their faces when you tell them what it costs, expressions that I assume are of envy.

Lelo Earl Butt Plug

JimmyJane is also known for high end luxury vibrators.

For my woman, however, I personally could not settle for less than the Pearl Royale. Available from Fornicari and designed by Australian jeweler Colin Burn, each one is made to order. That is not surprising, since at around 1.3 million dollars each, I can’t imagine they have a warehouse of these. Made of solid platinum, it is encrusted with brilliant cut and princess cut diamonds, silver white pearls, princess cut royal blue sapphires and brilliant cut pink diamonds. It also has a crown-shaped top to bring to life those royal orgasm fantasies (with the Queen orgasm, you come in waves). According to their ad copy: “This regal statement of pure luxury holds its own key, attached to a single stunning South Sea pearl, caged within the crown. When attached, the key activates the multi speed vibrator but can be detached and worn as an elegant pearl and diamond necklace.” You can wear it, but I suggest only after a very thorough cleaning of the entire vibe ensemble after use. It would look so stunning with you on the arm of your cuff-link wearing man proudly proclaiming his Earl Butt Plug. It makes it clear that you are a woman who is with a man of class. It also comes in a a framed mountable jewellery safe, which sophisticated jewel thieves won’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Pear Royale

If the Pearl Royale is just a bit out of your price range, you might consider Colin Burn’s budget alternative- The Eternity Egg. At a more trust fund friendly $25,000, this diamond encrusted vibrating egg should still be able to get her off, although perhaps not as quickly.

Eternity Egg

How could you possibly forget a man who lavished such an incredible gift upon or in you? Thanks to Mark Sturkenboom and his 21 Grams, you can even better remember him, even after death. With him gone, you’ll need that key to your Pearl Royale even more (or perhaps not), but with 21 grams you’ll get another key- one that unlocks a very special memory box that even has an inset to insert an i-Phone to play music. Inside is a glass dildo with a gold capsule inside that holds 21 grams of your beloved (and yes, I believe that cremation is required first). Finally, you can come with his going. How much this will cost you I do not know, but when a site never mentions price, you know it is not intended for the masses. I actually saw a newscast about this that discussed whether it was necrophilia or non-consensual sex. What’s next- women wanting to marry a dildo made from their now always hard dead boyfriend?

21 Grams

Moving on – How about the world’s most expensive condom (that does not even function as a condom)? Actually, it is not a condom at all, even though they call it the world’s first smart condom. It is called the I.Con, and costs a little over $80. Unlike actual condoms, it is even reusable. The best way to describe it is as a Fitbit for your penis. Ever wanted to brag about how many calories you burn during sex? This will track it for you. How long can you go on average? How often? What is your penis girth? What is your average velocity during thrusting? How many positions do you rack up in a typical session? Track all the data then use Bluetooth to transfer it to your phone or computer. It is one thing to boast about your sexual prowess, but another thing entirely when you can show them the hard data.


Does anything say class and elegance more than owning one of the world’s most expensive sex dolls? I am not talking about the custom fully animated AI one Bill Gates has hidden in a closet, but a commercial doll from Real Doll for just $5,749. It is an exact duplicate of porn star Asa Akira, minus her personality and internal organs. You can even add elf ears for just $350. She is quite customizable. If you tend to tire of specific vaginas quickly, you can buy different vaginal inserts, so you can have Asa but with Kaylani’s vagina. There are also different pubic hair options, although no landing strips or hearts. They also have other dolls in the same neighborhood price wise.

If you are waiting for the $10,000 doll complete with AI that they announced on April 1st, I am stunned to see that it is not yet listed on their site. They are doing serious work on an animated head with lip synch, but what I have seen is still not ready for prime time. A glitchy talking sex doll could be a problem. The last thing you want is a biter.

One of the things people like about cock rings is their low price, which, for those of us who care about how expensive things are, is a real turn-off. Problem solved with Velv’or’s King JCobra cock ring, made from solid gold that dangles 1.2 pounds from your cock, enough to give any man more confidence. For even more, you can have a white or black pearl in the cobra’s mouth. It is a steal in the neighborhood of around $130,000. They will discuss the appropriate size for you, but I am suspecting they mostly make them in small.